The Hardest Confession

Confession: My absolute deepest heart’s desire is to be a wife and mom. While this isn’t a secret, you will rarely hear me express and own the depth of this desire.  Time and waiting do not ease the want or pain. This leads to my greatest question: What's wrong with me?

As you may know about me or have possibly read here, I am a planner. I rarely do anything without some level of planning and attention to details necessary for success. Knowing this, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have had my life planned out for a long time. I was going to meet my husband in college and marry shortly after graduating {though my dad would probably say the first plan should have been getting out of college quicker}, teach for a couple of years, and then we were going to begin our family. We would have 4-5 kids, all boys, and I was going to be a stay at home soccer mom who drove a Suburban and volunteered at their schools. That was MY plan and it was going to be a great little life for my big family. I giggle a little as I write this, thinking of Proverbs 19:21(NIV), which reads, “Many are the plans in a man’s {or single woman’s} heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” God’s purpose has certainly prevailed and it has been nothing like my plans! I am 38, single, and childless. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life that I love! I don’t sit at home waiting for some man to show up at my doorstep with a white horse and glass slipper. I strive to invest my life in my family, my ministry, my community, my friends, and the kids God has placed in my life, even if they aren’t my own. While I do feel content, I also live with this never ending feeling that something is missing, there is a bit of a hole waiting to be filled. I also battle the same question regularly: What is wrong with me? With each failed date and relationship, it gets a little louder. With each man that asks me how a woman is still single, it gets a little louder. With each sweet smelling infant I hold, it gets a little louder. With each toe that makes contact with the cold sheets on the other side of the bed, it gets a little louder. When the question gets too loud, it begins to demand an answer and my need to shut it up grows stronger. My answers range anywhere from “too fat,” to “not pretty enough,” to “too rigid,” to “too loud and overbearing,” to “not a good enough housekeeper,” to “not spiritual enough” to a thousand other places in between. While I know I must choose to believe there is nothing wrong with me rather than these lies and then replace the lies with Truth, there is something in me that needs a concrete answer. Because if I know what’s wrong, then I can make plans to fix it, right?!? And then I read this article and found the answer.

Do you want to know what’s wrong with me? Do you want to know why I’m not married? It’s because I refuse to settle. You see, if I dig just a little deeper in my heart’s desire, there is one desire that just barely edges out my desire to be married and have children. That desire is my desire, my need, my urgency to follow God and be obedient to what His plans are. Today, that includes singleness. Is it lonely some days? Yes. Do I enjoy the quiet solitude other days? Yes. Do I want a family some days? Oh yes. Do I enjoy my freedom other days? Oh yes. We all have days where the grass seems like it would be greener on the side. But each side has its share of dry spots. The places that are greenest and healthiest are the ones that are nourished and tended. While I’m on this side of the fence, I will choose to live my life as best I can. I will hold on to my desire for a husband and children one day but if that means I must settle to have it, forget it. Because is settling is what’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

My Day in Maximum Security, Part 2

Confession: I recently spent a day “in” prison. It was exactly and nothing like I expected.

Note: This is the second half of this post. If you haven't read the first, I recommend you do so for the background. I have also changed the names of the people I met.

Lesson 3: My past doesn’t define me.

The first inmate I met that day was “Susan.” She had a big smile and beautiful bright eyes. As we stood in the chapel, it was easy to feel like we were standing in a regular chapel on any campground and Susan was a campground employee. But we weren’t and she isn’t. For me, the things that set her apart and provided a common ground between us was the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary t-shirt she was wearing. As we talked, there was no discussion of her crime or the amount of time she would spend in prison. Instead, there was a bond as we talked about the difficult load of work require to obtain a seminary degree and the excitement associated with how God will use that to minister to others. Her struggles were with the amount of work required, not how she felt unable or unworthy of this ministry because of her past choices. I can only believe that at some point she dealt with whatever brought her to prison. She accepted the consequences and moved on. She planned to allow her experiences to be something that she used to relate and minister to other women rather than prevent her from doing this.

In my own life I try not to have regrets. I have made some poor choices but strive to accept responsibility for those and deal with the consequences. However, there are a very few things that I would say I regret. They were deliberate choices I made, knowing they were wrong. There is absolutely no way to excuse or talk them away. When I allow it, these regrets change the way I see myself. The guilt overwhelms. The enemy says I am a failure as a Christian and as a minister. The thoughts in my head feed me lies when the regrets dominate. Do you have some of these? Are there things you wish you either hadn’t done or had done differently? As my sweet Daddy would say, “It is what it is.” The past is done and can’t be changed. The question becomes “How can God use this?” rather than “Why would God use me?” The reality at the end of the day is that God uses these thing to reach others and bring glory to Himself. Will we let go of the regrets, accept His forgiveness, and allow Him to use us today? I want to. I SO want to. 

Lesson 4: The same amount of Jesus’ blood was needed to atone for my sins as the sins of the most hardened criminal…all of it.

In the building that housed the inmates in lockdown, there were 4 wings. One of the wings housed the death row inmates. I think there were two but I only heard about one of them. She is a former police officer convicted on three counts of first degree murder. Though not convicted, there is also speculation that she murdered and buried her own father under her house, among a list of other illegal and questionable behaviors. I can’t even imagine the life she has lived. She sinned. She sinned BIG.

The problem I often fail to acknowledge is that I have also, even if I haven’t murdered anyone. I strongly believe there is a tendency among Christians to place a value system of sorts on sin. As long as I’m not a murderer, homosexual, an adulterer, or a child abuser then I am really ok. This thinking leads to pride and a failure to see the reality of our own sin. The biblical reality is that God sees all sin the same. Though the earthly consequences for gossip may be different than those for murder, they both separate us from God. There isn’t a chart that God refers to in order to determine how much of the blood of Christ a particular sin requires. For us to receive forgiveness of our sins and have a relationship with Christ, He had to shed all of His blood, regardless of what a person’s sins may be. If we own this reality, it would change the way we see people. It would change the way we respond to those “big sinners”…but we’ll address that more later.

I don’t know where you’ve been or what your past holds. I don’t know your list of sins or where you are in a relationship with God. What I do know is this: the past doesn’t define you. It can shape you if you allow it but you don’t have to be stuck in it. God wants to use you and your experiences. That requires you realizing that He gave His blood for you…all of His blood. None of us are good enough on our own. I’m so thankful that God has made this relationship possible. If you haven’t already, will you place your faith in Him and experience the blood His forgiveness gives?

Do you want to talk more about this? You know where to find me...check out the contact section over there on the right.

My Day in Maximum Security, Part 1

Confession: I recently spent a day “in” prison. It was exactly and nothing like I expected.

Note: There is way too much to share for this to be a post people will actually read in one sitting. I hope you’ll indulge me to write posts 2 days in a row to get it all in. I have also changed the names of the people I met.

I went to prison last week. I spent the day in a maximum security facility for women. Maybe I should clarify in case you’re wondering what’s going on…though I’m pretty sure you didn’t assume I was there as an inmate. I went as part of a team that holds a revival at this prison every year. The weekend begins with each woman receiving a box of personal hygiene items provided by churches across the state. Though the items are basic things you and I probably always have on hand, for some of these women they were a luxury. It was a privilege to see the faces of the women who receive the boxes. But it’s really easy to participate in things like this and become very pious…to walk away reminded of how “blessed” or “fortunate” we are and how we “shouldn’t take things for granted.” Don’t get me wrong, that is a true statement. God has indeed blessed me and I need to be thankful for the life I have. But that wasn’t one of the lessons I took away from that day. Though I didn’t have many one on one conversations with inmates, I had a few and there was something to be learned from each of them.

Lesson 1: It is quite possible that I watch way too many episodes of Lock Down, Lock Up, Scared Straight, and Snapped.

My name is Alanna and I am a true crime/crime drama junkie. There. I admit it. This habit is why I say the day was everything and nothing I expected. All that I expected my experience to be was based on these shows. So, I expected at least some of the women to be scary and intimidating. I expected cells with bars. I expected people who looked nothing like me. What I found was women of all ages, some who looked so young as well as some with walkers or in wheelchairs. I found women with well-kept hair and make-up. There were wives and mothers. They were people just like me, though something landed them here, in confinement. But, as we also must do, they were living in the reality of their daily lives. Wherever we are, we have choices and we make choices. Sometimes they lead us to where we need to be, sometimes they lead us places we never should have gone. In reality, at my core, I’m no different than many of the women there. I hate to break it to you but neither are you.

Lesson 2: The choices and decisions we make today will determine the life we live tomorrow. 

After distributing the boxes to the ladies in the general population, I was able to go with a group to the lockdown unit. This is where they house those who are under mental health observation or 90 day administrative segregation, along with the death row inmates. They are in a facility with no air conditioning and only 1 hour a day out of confinement.
As we were handing out boxes, I came to the cell of “Jackie.” I said hello and she asked if I would pray for her. Of course, I did. When I asked her what I could pray for, she asked me to pray that she would be able to get herself together so she could get out of there. She told me that she has a 1 year old that is currently in foster care and she wants to be able to have her back in her care. For Jackie, getting out of “there” first means getting out of administrative segregation. She’s there for bad behavior and defiance. She’s there because of her choices. With each behavior report she gets in there, her 90 days begins again. Each time her 90 days begins again, she’s one step back from general population…and ultimately one step further back from seeing her daughter.
 

Let’s be honest, you don’t have to be in prison to experience this same struggle. With each negative thought I choose to entertain, I’m one step closer to negative words. With each fatty snack I choose to put in my mouth, I’m one step further from the weight and health I’d like to experience. With each dollar I choose to spend unwisely, I’m one step closer to debt. Though the behaviors may be different, they all stem from something I choose….something you choose. May we choose wisely today in order to live the life God desires for us tomorrow.

Join me tomorrow for lessons 3 and 4 from my day in maximum security.