The Hardest Confession

Confession: My absolute deepest heart’s desire is to be a wife and mom. While this isn’t a secret, you will rarely hear me express and own the depth of this desire.  Time and waiting do not ease the want or pain. This leads to my greatest question: What's wrong with me?

As you may know about me or have possibly read here, I am a planner. I rarely do anything without some level of planning and attention to details necessary for success. Knowing this, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have had my life planned out for a long time. I was going to meet my husband in college and marry shortly after graduating {though my dad would probably say the first plan should have been getting out of college quicker}, teach for a couple of years, and then we were going to begin our family. We would have 4-5 kids, all boys, and I was going to be a stay at home soccer mom who drove a Suburban and volunteered at their schools. That was MY plan and it was going to be a great little life for my big family. I giggle a little as I write this, thinking of Proverbs 19:21(NIV), which reads, “Many are the plans in a man’s {or single woman’s} heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” God’s purpose has certainly prevailed and it has been nothing like my plans! I am 38, single, and childless. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life that I love! I don’t sit at home waiting for some man to show up at my doorstep with a white horse and glass slipper. I strive to invest my life in my family, my ministry, my community, my friends, and the kids God has placed in my life, even if they aren’t my own. While I do feel content, I also live with this never ending feeling that something is missing, there is a bit of a hole waiting to be filled. I also battle the same question regularly: What is wrong with me? With each failed date and relationship, it gets a little louder. With each man that asks me how a woman is still single, it gets a little louder. With each sweet smelling infant I hold, it gets a little louder. With each toe that makes contact with the cold sheets on the other side of the bed, it gets a little louder. When the question gets too loud, it begins to demand an answer and my need to shut it up grows stronger. My answers range anywhere from “too fat,” to “not pretty enough,” to “too rigid,” to “too loud and overbearing,” to “not a good enough housekeeper,” to “not spiritual enough” to a thousand other places in between. While I know I must choose to believe there is nothing wrong with me rather than these lies and then replace the lies with Truth, there is something in me that needs a concrete answer. Because if I know what’s wrong, then I can make plans to fix it, right?!? And then I read this article and found the answer.

Do you want to know what’s wrong with me? Do you want to know why I’m not married? It’s because I refuse to settle. You see, if I dig just a little deeper in my heart’s desire, there is one desire that just barely edges out my desire to be married and have children. That desire is my desire, my need, my urgency to follow God and be obedient to what His plans are. Today, that includes singleness. Is it lonely some days? Yes. Do I enjoy the quiet solitude other days? Yes. Do I want a family some days? Oh yes. Do I enjoy my freedom other days? Oh yes. We all have days where the grass seems like it would be greener on the side. But each side has its share of dry spots. The places that are greenest and healthiest are the ones that are nourished and tended. While I’m on this side of the fence, I will choose to live my life as best I can. I will hold on to my desire for a husband and children one day but if that means I must settle to have it, forget it. Because is settling is what’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.