Baking British

Confession: I have a terrible tendency to compare myself with others. Never has this worked in my favor or made me a better person...yet I seem to continue to do it.

If you ask me what I watch on TV, you will get answers that include shows that fall in a few categories: crime dramas (such as Criminal Minds, Law and Order, etc.), crime documentaries (anything on Investigate Discovery), legal and political dramas (Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder), reality shows (but only Dancing with the Stars and The Voice…because, well, Adam Levine), Saints football, and cooking shows (any and all, but especially competitions).  After reading that list, it’s a bit of wonder I’m sane and not twisted and demented with all of the crime shows I watch! No comments from the peanut gallery, please! Lately, one of my favorite shows is a baking competition aired on PBS. It’s called The Great British Bake Off and is set in England, hence the title! The techniques and flavors used in Europe are so different than what we use here and they absolutely fascinate me!

Let me quickly set up for you how the competition works. Each week there is a certain theme and there are three rounds per episode. The first round is the signature bake challenge, second is the technical challenge, and the third round is the showstopper. The contestants know what will be asked of them in the first and third rounds and have time to practice between episodes. It is the technical challenge that is the most interesting one to me…and also the one where I recently learned quite a lesson.

For the technical challenge, the bakers are given the challenge of creating a recipe belonging to one of the judges. As the name implies, they are judged on the technical components of what they bake. However, the recipe they are given is usually one that is somewhat unfamiliar to the contestants and eliminates some key details such as certain specific techniques or baking times. Recently, the technical challenge was to bake a custard pie. The ingredients for the custard were given but nothing more. There’s a part of this segment as they are preparing this custard where only one contestant is cooking her custard. As she is looking around at the others simply mixing the ingredients, they are looking at her cooking her ingredients. In the background is commentary of the contestants questioning their own techniques compared to hers. They question why she does that and come to the conclusion that she must be wrong as she is the only one using that technique! There is also commentary of her questioning herself, as well. Would you like to guess who wins that challenge? You got it, the one who cooked her custard even when no one else did! Each of them seemed a bit surprised! 

Comparing ourselves to others is a pretty common issue among people. It is definitely an issue I constantly battle. I compare my abilities, my appearance, my body, my experiences, my opinions, my spiritual growth…and the list could go on. I have learned a few things in this struggle. 

1. Comparing myself to others prevents me from seeing who I truly am. Using others as a mirror is not what God intended. He has uniquely and individually created each of us. He has also set a particular path and plan in motion for each of us. If I seek to align my life with someone I deem better than myself, I risk not being the very person God created and desired me to be. I also run the risk of missing opportunities to display His creative glory as I strive to be someone other than myself.
2. Comparing myself to others often leaves me wanting. Every day I encounter women who I believe are prettier than I am. I see women who are thinner than I will ever be; women with bodies that I will never attain short of a body transplant. There are people with better houses, cars, and wardrobes than I have. There are people with stronger skills, abilities, talents, personalities, and countless other things that I may feel I fall short of. These thoughts do nothing but leave me wanting rather than appreciating. I see how I don’t measure up rather than how I have been blessed. 
3. Comparing myself to others could also leave me with a false sense of pride. Comparisons also lead me to believe I may be better than someone else. When I focus my eyes on what I have or who I am and allow that to become a source of pride, I miss the needs of those around me. I miss opportunities to share what I have been given and who I am with the world around me…which means I also miss opportunities to share the very place my value does come from, God. 
4. Comparing myself to others steals my joy and contentment. Rather than finding my value in the Giver of all I am and the Creator of my body and life, comparison leads me to place my value in the gifts He has given me and to be paralyzed by the things I see as lacking. Whether comparison makes me feel better or worse about myself, it eliminates God. When I eliminate God from my thinking, I eliminate my source of joy and contentment.

At the end of the day, God has made me, scars, dimples, saggies, quirks, and all, intentionally. He has done so for my good and His glory. I must daily choose to keep my gaze upward and not circular. I must focus on Him and not others. Though it doesn’t change the things I would like to change, focus changes my perspective. And changing my perspective often changes everything.

The Ugly D-Word

Confession: I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was in high school. Only recently have I accepted it and become a bit more open about it.

High school. For me it was 4 years that were slightly better than the 2 spent in middle school. Those were rough. I spent my elementary school years in a small town in south Louisiana in class with the same kids each year. We all knew each other and mostly got along…as well as kids do. I was not really a very cute or petite kid but that was ok there. And then in 6^th grade (you know, the year aliens inhabit a person’s body?) my family moved to a new city. There, you went to middle school, complete with a 7 class schedule, formal PE with uniforms, lockers, and popular kids. I tried very hard to make friends and to be kind. But kids can be cruel. I was different for many reasons and they let me know it. 

It didn’t take long in high school to realize everything was going to change. You get a fresh start and some may even get a chance to be popular. I didn’t. Though I made friends and connections in band and church (which I truly loved and am thankful for), I was still different, maybe even more so. My faith grew significantly over the summer before high school and I knew God called me to do ministry. I felt different and a bit weird (not one of my favorite combinations). But I learned that God would always be present, would always be my friend, and I would never be alone. Yet I felt overwhelmed with loneliness most days. I would go through long periods where I lacked motivation and joy. I went through the motions though I constantly felt sad. But because no one ever talked about it, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I still wasn’t very cute or petite. I was never enough. And I couldn’t perfect this whole faith and friendship with God thing. I was a big ball of a mess.

Fast forward to adulthood, where there have been points in life where those feelings I have had about myself continued and the seasons of loneliness and sadness still overwhelmed me…and when I still didn’t realize what was going on. I still wasn't very cute or petite. I still felt like I didn’t quite measure up. And I hit my 30's still single. My career and ministry seem to have taken a path of placing me in churches where there is either great struggle or big transitions. The pressure to perform and be as perfect as possible smothered me. A pastor once told me, “You think you can talk to church members, but you can’t, so don’t share things with them.” I had frustrations and no one to talk to. I had sadness and I had to hide it. I truly felt completely isolated. Then I reached the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. There was no more trudging through. I realized I wasn’t struggling with sadness anymore because I had allowed it to take over. The tears were constantly sitting on my bottom lids and I was struggling to function. Coping was a skill that I had left behind. The anxiety was affecting me physically as well so I knew it was time to see a doctor.

In that visit, I told him about some breathing issues I was having because that was my reason for going. While we talked, I made this statement (while in tears), “I am sad all the time. I cry daily. I will not say I’m depressed because I think that word is overused. I am just sad and struggling to function.” He looked at me and simply said, “Alanna, you are depressed. And that’s ok. I can help.” He proceeded to listen as I talked. He took time to validate my feelings and tell me that it’s ok for a Christian to deal with depression…and I wasn’t alone. He also helped me to deal with the fact that medication might indeed help. And it truly, truly has. But there have been a few things I have learned along the way.

First, sometimes you need to simply put on your big girl (or boy) pants and deal with life. But sometimes you might need help. You can only fake it ‘til you make it for so long. When the struggle with the sadness ends and you allow it to take over because you can no longer deal, it can get dangerous.  We weren’t meant to do life alone. We need others. Sometimes that may come in the form of a counselor, trusted friend, or wise doctor.

Second, know yourself. I still have periods of sadness and anxiety. But in my time on medication, I have learned to cope. I have become aware of certain times that are more difficult for me. And at those times when lies start to creep in, I am aware enough to remind myself of what I know to be true about me and about life. I choose to listen to what is true.

Third, my Christian faith isn’t about being perfect. I mess up all too often. I let it get me down. The pressure of being in ministry closes in on me some days. But I have worked to be intentional in building relationships where I can be honest. I live my life with people who allow me to confess my weaknesses and failures and look at me to say, “Do you want me to fuss or be sympathetic?” But then they push me to grow and to work through the things. And they never leave me alone.

Finally, a change in my circumstances isn’t going to fix everything. My biggest depression trigger is my singleness. I never dreamed life would be the way it is now. I never wanted to be a “career woman.” I wanted to be a mom with a large SUV driving my kids to soccer games and dance practice. I was going to cook for my family and vacuum while wearing pumps and pearls. We were going to go on fantastic family vacations and enjoy each other’s company and build wonderful Norman Rockwell painting memories. But this hasn’t been God’s plan for me. As I have dated more over the last few years, I have come to realize men and relationships don’t take my sadness away. Being wanted doesn’t remove all of the loneliness. Affection doesn’t fill the longing and empty places in me the way I thought it would. Instead, a change in circumstance often brings about a new set of pressures and anxiety! Instead, I wake up each day, get out of bed, and strive to remember that God’s mercies are new every morning. That is what is going to get me through the circumstances.

Can we hold on together? And can we hold on to this: God does have a plan. He is at work on things that we can’t even begin to fathom. But can we also promise to be real and do what it takes to work through this, struggling daily with our sadness and depression and anxiety instead of allowing them to win? Don’t give up the fight, my friends.

Resolutions = Goals?

Confession: Resolutions stress the perfectionist parts of me out. Oddly enough, goals don’t.

Maybe that confession seems a bit strange. After all, aren’t a resolution and a goal pretty much the same thing? They might be in your world, but not in Alanna world. To me a resolution is too rigid. It’s a pass or fail. You do this thing or you don’t. And if you don’t, you fail. Do you want to know what one of my biggest fears is? Failure. I can’t think of anything that will paralyze me quite like it. Resolutions feed the fear. And then I realized by making a list of resolutions at the beginning of each year, I was feeding the fear and setting myself up for defeat and frustration. So I quit making them and decided to just live each day being me in the best way I can. However, this has not stopped me from setting goals.

At this point you might be scratching your head wondering, even still, what the difference is! Well, here it is. I believe goals allow for adjustment where resolutions are just so, well, resolute, rigid, and commanding. A goal is something I shoot for but can adjust along the way. I believe we all need goals. By setting goals, we are aiming to better ourselves. We are identifying areas of life where we want to grow, learn, or even change. So, as I promised last week, I have set some goals for my 38^th year. These are flexible. If I don’t complete them, I haven’t failed 38^th year. But if I don’t try to complete them, I will stay right where I am, which is not what I want for my life. So here they are, in no particular order!

1. Visit someplace I have never been.
2. Create a “to cook” board on Pinterest of 38 recipes I have never tried but want to. Cook each at least once over the next year.
3. Bake and decorate a wedding cake, even if it’s just for fun. Wedding cake party at my house, anyone?
4. Tackle one improvement project in my house.
5. Set Tuesday nights as a Girls’ Night and be intentional about keeping this on the nights that don’t already have a committed activity {Bunko, Pokeno, and Book Club} by planning something, even if it's as simple as a dinner out.
6. Intentionally build and invest in new relationships.
7. Share my faith with more than one person, using words.
8. Purge the junk in my house and have a garage sale.
9. Save money {maybe beginning with above mentioned garage sale} and purchase a 7 quart Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer. I’ve already got $2.89 saved…and I might drool a little thinking about that beauty of an appliance.
10. Eat something exotic for the first time…maybe sea urchin? Where do you even get that around here?
11. Write. Blog. Regularly. About each of these goals. About life. Be real with it and allow people to see me and connect with me. Even if it means admitting where I fail…even if that scares the pants off of me.

It’s a start. I don’t know what’s next but this is where I begin. What do you want to do? Is there something that you want to learn or explore? Life is too short to resist moving forward because we’re afraid…join me? After all, life is less scary when you’re not alone.

Year 37

Confession: Though I dreaded the day I turned 30, my thirties have been the best years of my life.

I think and ponder. A lot. Maybe too much…I guess that all depends on what I’m thinking about. The last few days I have been pondering September 9, 2014. While this may be just another Tuesday to you, it’s a special day to me. It’s my 38^th birthday. And I love birthdays! I love the idea of the intentional love and plan of God it shows when someone is brought into the world. Because I believe He works all things for his purpose and His timing, I have to believe my birth on September 9, 1976 was not a mistake. It was part of God’s plan from the beginning. In fact, Psalm 139:16 (NLT) says, “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” 

So as a new year of my life approaches, I have reflected over the last year and it has indeed been a hard one…and a good one. One quality I inherited from my dad is a bent toward list making. So, in honor of the last few hours of my 37^th year, I’d like to share some of the highlights. Some I would relive, some I will opt for the lesson learned instead.

Experiences I’ve Had:

• My parents lived with me, instead of me with them, for the first time. Though it was brief, it was a very sweet time for me.
• I was able to experience Santa Claus from the adult end with my three precious nieces (aka, my Best Girls).
• I planted a garden. And vegetables actually grew in it…and they tasted good!
• I began really honing my baking and decorating skills. It has been a fun journey!
• I made and canned fig preserves.
• At work, we took on a major renovation project. I don’t know that I’ve ever learned so much in a three week period. Or been prouder of something I’ve led and worked on.
• When finances have been tight and there seemed to be more month than money or unexpected expenses, God has showed His faithfulness at just the right moment. Never have I had to go without.
• I tried fresh eggs for the first time. They really are better than the kind you get at the market…at $5 a dozen, they better be!
• I joined a book club. Each woman is so unique and I can’t think of a group I’d rather spend that time with. Even if I don’t always read the books. Oops.
• My mom described me to someone in a way that has penetrated the depths of who I am and I will never forget. “When you cut her open, you will find a heart made of gold.”

Lessons I’ve Learned:

• I have learned that the phrase “easier said than done” is typically true.
• Professionally, I have worked to allow difficult circumstances to thicken my skin rather harden my heart. This has led me to also work on my confrontation and conflict resolution skills.
• I experienced love, connection, passion, loss, and confusion in ways I never have. I daily struggle through the ways it has affected me and have determined to choose to pull the positive from it and fight against the control the emotions of sadness, rejection, and bitterness vie for.
• I would rather follow God and have His gifts than manipulate my life to have my own way.
• My physical appearance isn’t as bad as I think it is. I am who I am and it’s time to own it. Ladies, I even put away those special tight undergarments I used daily for use on special occasions. I might be the only one who has even noticed…maybe it’s because I can actually breathe and move freely.
• Life is better when I own who I am, enjoy what each day holds, and allow other people to get to know me. In case you don’t know, God has wonderfully made me, flaws and all. I have a lot to offer and I’m doing my best to offer it.
• Though my years haven’t turned out as I once hoped they would, God’s plans are far better than anything I could have created.

It’s been a good year. These are just what I consider the highlights! Coming tomorrow: my goals for year 38! Join me on September 9^th, the anniversary of the day God saw fit to place me in this world for such a time as this!