Baking British

Confession: I have a terrible tendency to compare myself with others. Never has this worked in my favor or made me a better person...yet I seem to continue to do it.

If you ask me what I watch on TV, you will get answers that include shows that fall in a few categories: crime dramas (such as Criminal Minds, Law and Order, etc.), crime documentaries (anything on Investigate Discovery), legal and political dramas (Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder), reality shows (but only Dancing with the Stars and The Voice…because, well, Adam Levine), Saints football, and cooking shows (any and all, but especially competitions).  After reading that list, it’s a bit of wonder I’m sane and not twisted and demented with all of the crime shows I watch! No comments from the peanut gallery, please! Lately, one of my favorite shows is a baking competition aired on PBS. It’s called The Great British Bake Off and is set in England, hence the title! The techniques and flavors used in Europe are so different than what we use here and they absolutely fascinate me!

Let me quickly set up for you how the competition works. Each week there is a certain theme and there are three rounds per episode. The first round is the signature bake challenge, second is the technical challenge, and the third round is the showstopper. The contestants know what will be asked of them in the first and third rounds and have time to practice between episodes. It is the technical challenge that is the most interesting one to me…and also the one where I recently learned quite a lesson.

For the technical challenge, the bakers are given the challenge of creating a recipe belonging to one of the judges. As the name implies, they are judged on the technical components of what they bake. However, the recipe they are given is usually one that is somewhat unfamiliar to the contestants and eliminates some key details such as certain specific techniques or baking times. Recently, the technical challenge was to bake a custard pie. The ingredients for the custard were given but nothing more. There’s a part of this segment as they are preparing this custard where only one contestant is cooking her custard. As she is looking around at the others simply mixing the ingredients, they are looking at her cooking her ingredients. In the background is commentary of the contestants questioning their own techniques compared to hers. They question why she does that and come to the conclusion that she must be wrong as she is the only one using that technique! There is also commentary of her questioning herself, as well. Would you like to guess who wins that challenge? You got it, the one who cooked her custard even when no one else did! Each of them seemed a bit surprised! 

Comparing ourselves to others is a pretty common issue among people. It is definitely an issue I constantly battle. I compare my abilities, my appearance, my body, my experiences, my opinions, my spiritual growth…and the list could go on. I have learned a few things in this struggle. 

1. Comparing myself to others prevents me from seeing who I truly am. Using others as a mirror is not what God intended. He has uniquely and individually created each of us. He has also set a particular path and plan in motion for each of us. If I seek to align my life with someone I deem better than myself, I risk not being the very person God created and desired me to be. I also run the risk of missing opportunities to display His creative glory as I strive to be someone other than myself.
2. Comparing myself to others often leaves me wanting. Every day I encounter women who I believe are prettier than I am. I see women who are thinner than I will ever be; women with bodies that I will never attain short of a body transplant. There are people with better houses, cars, and wardrobes than I have. There are people with stronger skills, abilities, talents, personalities, and countless other things that I may feel I fall short of. These thoughts do nothing but leave me wanting rather than appreciating. I see how I don’t measure up rather than how I have been blessed. 
3. Comparing myself to others could also leave me with a false sense of pride. Comparisons also lead me to believe I may be better than someone else. When I focus my eyes on what I have or who I am and allow that to become a source of pride, I miss the needs of those around me. I miss opportunities to share what I have been given and who I am with the world around me…which means I also miss opportunities to share the very place my value does come from, God. 
4. Comparing myself to others steals my joy and contentment. Rather than finding my value in the Giver of all I am and the Creator of my body and life, comparison leads me to place my value in the gifts He has given me and to be paralyzed by the things I see as lacking. Whether comparison makes me feel better or worse about myself, it eliminates God. When I eliminate God from my thinking, I eliminate my source of joy and contentment.

At the end of the day, God has made me, scars, dimples, saggies, quirks, and all, intentionally. He has done so for my good and His glory. I must daily choose to keep my gaze upward and not circular. I must focus on Him and not others. Though it doesn’t change the things I would like to change, focus changes my perspective. And changing my perspective often changes everything.

The Ugly D-Word

Confession: I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was in high school. Only recently have I accepted it and become a bit more open about it.

High school. For me it was 4 years that were slightly better than the 2 spent in middle school. Those were rough. I spent my elementary school years in a small town in south Louisiana in class with the same kids each year. We all knew each other and mostly got along…as well as kids do. I was not really a very cute or petite kid but that was ok there. And then in 6^th grade (you know, the year aliens inhabit a person’s body?) my family moved to a new city. There, you went to middle school, complete with a 7 class schedule, formal PE with uniforms, lockers, and popular kids. I tried very hard to make friends and to be kind. But kids can be cruel. I was different for many reasons and they let me know it. 

It didn’t take long in high school to realize everything was going to change. You get a fresh start and some may even get a chance to be popular. I didn’t. Though I made friends and connections in band and church (which I truly loved and am thankful for), I was still different, maybe even more so. My faith grew significantly over the summer before high school and I knew God called me to do ministry. I felt different and a bit weird (not one of my favorite combinations). But I learned that God would always be present, would always be my friend, and I would never be alone. Yet I felt overwhelmed with loneliness most days. I would go through long periods where I lacked motivation and joy. I went through the motions though I constantly felt sad. But because no one ever talked about it, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I still wasn’t very cute or petite. I was never enough. And I couldn’t perfect this whole faith and friendship with God thing. I was a big ball of a mess.

Fast forward to adulthood, where there have been points in life where those feelings I have had about myself continued and the seasons of loneliness and sadness still overwhelmed me…and when I still didn’t realize what was going on. I still wasn't very cute or petite. I still felt like I didn’t quite measure up. And I hit my 30's still single. My career and ministry seem to have taken a path of placing me in churches where there is either great struggle or big transitions. The pressure to perform and be as perfect as possible smothered me. A pastor once told me, “You think you can talk to church members, but you can’t, so don’t share things with them.” I had frustrations and no one to talk to. I had sadness and I had to hide it. I truly felt completely isolated. Then I reached the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. There was no more trudging through. I realized I wasn’t struggling with sadness anymore because I had allowed it to take over. The tears were constantly sitting on my bottom lids and I was struggling to function. Coping was a skill that I had left behind. The anxiety was affecting me physically as well so I knew it was time to see a doctor.

In that visit, I told him about some breathing issues I was having because that was my reason for going. While we talked, I made this statement (while in tears), “I am sad all the time. I cry daily. I will not say I’m depressed because I think that word is overused. I am just sad and struggling to function.” He looked at me and simply said, “Alanna, you are depressed. And that’s ok. I can help.” He proceeded to listen as I talked. He took time to validate my feelings and tell me that it’s ok for a Christian to deal with depression…and I wasn’t alone. He also helped me to deal with the fact that medication might indeed help. And it truly, truly has. But there have been a few things I have learned along the way.

First, sometimes you need to simply put on your big girl (or boy) pants and deal with life. But sometimes you might need help. You can only fake it ‘til you make it for so long. When the struggle with the sadness ends and you allow it to take over because you can no longer deal, it can get dangerous.  We weren’t meant to do life alone. We need others. Sometimes that may come in the form of a counselor, trusted friend, or wise doctor.

Second, know yourself. I still have periods of sadness and anxiety. But in my time on medication, I have learned to cope. I have become aware of certain times that are more difficult for me. And at those times when lies start to creep in, I am aware enough to remind myself of what I know to be true about me and about life. I choose to listen to what is true.

Third, my Christian faith isn’t about being perfect. I mess up all too often. I let it get me down. The pressure of being in ministry closes in on me some days. But I have worked to be intentional in building relationships where I can be honest. I live my life with people who allow me to confess my weaknesses and failures and look at me to say, “Do you want me to fuss or be sympathetic?” But then they push me to grow and to work through the things. And they never leave me alone.

Finally, a change in my circumstances isn’t going to fix everything. My biggest depression trigger is my singleness. I never dreamed life would be the way it is now. I never wanted to be a “career woman.” I wanted to be a mom with a large SUV driving my kids to soccer games and dance practice. I was going to cook for my family and vacuum while wearing pumps and pearls. We were going to go on fantastic family vacations and enjoy each other’s company and build wonderful Norman Rockwell painting memories. But this hasn’t been God’s plan for me. As I have dated more over the last few years, I have come to realize men and relationships don’t take my sadness away. Being wanted doesn’t remove all of the loneliness. Affection doesn’t fill the longing and empty places in me the way I thought it would. Instead, a change in circumstance often brings about a new set of pressures and anxiety! Instead, I wake up each day, get out of bed, and strive to remember that God’s mercies are new every morning. That is what is going to get me through the circumstances.

Can we hold on together? And can we hold on to this: God does have a plan. He is at work on things that we can’t even begin to fathom. But can we also promise to be real and do what it takes to work through this, struggling daily with our sadness and depression and anxiety instead of allowing them to win? Don’t give up the fight, my friends.

The Hardest Confession

Confession: My absolute deepest heart’s desire is to be a wife and mom. While this isn’t a secret, you will rarely hear me express and own the depth of this desire.  Time and waiting do not ease the want or pain. This leads to my greatest question: What's wrong with me?

As you may know about me or have possibly read here, I am a planner. I rarely do anything without some level of planning and attention to details necessary for success. Knowing this, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have had my life planned out for a long time. I was going to meet my husband in college and marry shortly after graduating {though my dad would probably say the first plan should have been getting out of college quicker}, teach for a couple of years, and then we were going to begin our family. We would have 4-5 kids, all boys, and I was going to be a stay at home soccer mom who drove a Suburban and volunteered at their schools. That was MY plan and it was going to be a great little life for my big family. I giggle a little as I write this, thinking of Proverbs 19:21(NIV), which reads, “Many are the plans in a man’s {or single woman’s} heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” God’s purpose has certainly prevailed and it has been nothing like my plans! I am 38, single, and childless. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life that I love! I don’t sit at home waiting for some man to show up at my doorstep with a white horse and glass slipper. I strive to invest my life in my family, my ministry, my community, my friends, and the kids God has placed in my life, even if they aren’t my own. While I do feel content, I also live with this never ending feeling that something is missing, there is a bit of a hole waiting to be filled. I also battle the same question regularly: What is wrong with me? With each failed date and relationship, it gets a little louder. With each man that asks me how a woman is still single, it gets a little louder. With each sweet smelling infant I hold, it gets a little louder. With each toe that makes contact with the cold sheets on the other side of the bed, it gets a little louder. When the question gets too loud, it begins to demand an answer and my need to shut it up grows stronger. My answers range anywhere from “too fat,” to “not pretty enough,” to “too rigid,” to “too loud and overbearing,” to “not a good enough housekeeper,” to “not spiritual enough” to a thousand other places in between. While I know I must choose to believe there is nothing wrong with me rather than these lies and then replace the lies with Truth, there is something in me that needs a concrete answer. Because if I know what’s wrong, then I can make plans to fix it, right?!? And then I read this article and found the answer.

Do you want to know what’s wrong with me? Do you want to know why I’m not married? It’s because I refuse to settle. You see, if I dig just a little deeper in my heart’s desire, there is one desire that just barely edges out my desire to be married and have children. That desire is my desire, my need, my urgency to follow God and be obedient to what His plans are. Today, that includes singleness. Is it lonely some days? Yes. Do I enjoy the quiet solitude other days? Yes. Do I want a family some days? Oh yes. Do I enjoy my freedom other days? Oh yes. We all have days where the grass seems like it would be greener on the side. But each side has its share of dry spots. The places that are greenest and healthiest are the ones that are nourished and tended. While I’m on this side of the fence, I will choose to live my life as best I can. I will hold on to my desire for a husband and children one day but if that means I must settle to have it, forget it. Because is settling is what’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

My Day in Maximum Security, Part 2

Confession: I recently spent a day “in” prison. It was exactly and nothing like I expected.

Note: This is the second half of this post. If you haven't read the first, I recommend you do so for the background. I have also changed the names of the people I met.

Lesson 3: My past doesn’t define me.

The first inmate I met that day was “Susan.” She had a big smile and beautiful bright eyes. As we stood in the chapel, it was easy to feel like we were standing in a regular chapel on any campground and Susan was a campground employee. But we weren’t and she isn’t. For me, the things that set her apart and provided a common ground between us was the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary t-shirt she was wearing. As we talked, there was no discussion of her crime or the amount of time she would spend in prison. Instead, there was a bond as we talked about the difficult load of work require to obtain a seminary degree and the excitement associated with how God will use that to minister to others. Her struggles were with the amount of work required, not how she felt unable or unworthy of this ministry because of her past choices. I can only believe that at some point she dealt with whatever brought her to prison. She accepted the consequences and moved on. She planned to allow her experiences to be something that she used to relate and minister to other women rather than prevent her from doing this.

In my own life I try not to have regrets. I have made some poor choices but strive to accept responsibility for those and deal with the consequences. However, there are a very few things that I would say I regret. They were deliberate choices I made, knowing they were wrong. There is absolutely no way to excuse or talk them away. When I allow it, these regrets change the way I see myself. The guilt overwhelms. The enemy says I am a failure as a Christian and as a minister. The thoughts in my head feed me lies when the regrets dominate. Do you have some of these? Are there things you wish you either hadn’t done or had done differently? As my sweet Daddy would say, “It is what it is.” The past is done and can’t be changed. The question becomes “How can God use this?” rather than “Why would God use me?” The reality at the end of the day is that God uses these thing to reach others and bring glory to Himself. Will we let go of the regrets, accept His forgiveness, and allow Him to use us today? I want to. I SO want to. 

Lesson 4: The same amount of Jesus’ blood was needed to atone for my sins as the sins of the most hardened criminal…all of it.

In the building that housed the inmates in lockdown, there were 4 wings. One of the wings housed the death row inmates. I think there were two but I only heard about one of them. She is a former police officer convicted on three counts of first degree murder. Though not convicted, there is also speculation that she murdered and buried her own father under her house, among a list of other illegal and questionable behaviors. I can’t even imagine the life she has lived. She sinned. She sinned BIG.

The problem I often fail to acknowledge is that I have also, even if I haven’t murdered anyone. I strongly believe there is a tendency among Christians to place a value system of sorts on sin. As long as I’m not a murderer, homosexual, an adulterer, or a child abuser then I am really ok. This thinking leads to pride and a failure to see the reality of our own sin. The biblical reality is that God sees all sin the same. Though the earthly consequences for gossip may be different than those for murder, they both separate us from God. There isn’t a chart that God refers to in order to determine how much of the blood of Christ a particular sin requires. For us to receive forgiveness of our sins and have a relationship with Christ, He had to shed all of His blood, regardless of what a person’s sins may be. If we own this reality, it would change the way we see people. It would change the way we respond to those “big sinners”…but we’ll address that more later.

I don’t know where you’ve been or what your past holds. I don’t know your list of sins or where you are in a relationship with God. What I do know is this: the past doesn’t define you. It can shape you if you allow it but you don’t have to be stuck in it. God wants to use you and your experiences. That requires you realizing that He gave His blood for you…all of His blood. None of us are good enough on our own. I’m so thankful that God has made this relationship possible. If you haven’t already, will you place your faith in Him and experience the blood His forgiveness gives?

Do you want to talk more about this? You know where to find me...check out the contact section over there on the right.

Would You Rather...

Confession: Though I don’t have children of my own, I believe I have a responsibility to be involved in positively influencing the lives of the children God has placed in each season of my life.

In my list of goals for my 38^th year, I said I would use Tuesday nights as girls’ night. So, tonight I did that very thing! I spent the evening enjoying meat pizza, cinnamon sticks, a fun game of questions, and lots of laughs with my dear friends Hannah and Callie. They are such a fun set of sisters! They have great personalities, they are intelligent, they think for themselves, they wore spandex, and they challenged me to adjust my thinking and words. And they are only 8 and 6!

When I arrived to pick them up, they had just finished gymnastics, so they were clad in sparkly spandex outfits and so excited to go that we didn’t even bother changing their clothes! We loaded up and headed to Johnny’s for some delicious pizza and cinnamon sticks. You can see by their expressions that they were big fans of the sweet goodness!

  

I knew we would have some wait time, so to be intentional with the time, I chose to introduce them to one of my favorite games, a self-created game I like to call “Answer Alanna’s Question.” Here’s how it works: one person asks a question and everyone answers it. I have used it in groups, on dates, in one on one situations, and sometimes when people didn’t even know they were playing! {I’m sneaky like that.} First, it’s a great way to get conversation going. Second, you casually learn about others while they also learn about you. Third, it allows you to find commonalities you have with others. Some people have been more willing to play than others, but I have never regretted starting a game!

With my sweet little friends, I used a set of “Would You Rather…” cards I found here and printed. We spread them out on the table and each took turns reading one and answering it. I had them explain their answers which allowed them to explore their  imaginations, think through their answers, and even change their minds if their thought processes caused them to realize their initial answer wasn’t as great as they originally thought. We had a great time!

At one point in the conversation, I was challenged by one of their answers and confronted by my own negative thoughts of myself…as silly as that may sound. The question was “Would you rather all your clothes were black or all your clothes were white?”  Hannah got really excited and immediately knew her answer. She said she would definitely pick black because she could put colorful jewelry or sparkly diamond jewelry and it would look so beautiful! Callie pointed out that when you wear black, if you spill on it no one will know! They were both right…but neither of those were my first response. I immediately thought “Wearing white would make me look paler and fatter than I really am. I’d definitely pick black because it’s more slenderizing.”

As I opened my mouth to say these very words, I immediately sucked them back in and agreed with the girls, taking the discussion to fun jewelry, diamonds, and hidden stains. Though my initial thoughts may not have been completely incorrect, they have no place in my heart…or theirs. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, who I am and what I am capable of has nothing to do with how large I may look or actually be. My value doesn’t come from my body size or shape. Second, if I’m going to influence the children in my life to grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally, I have no business encouraging them to allow their physical appearance to determine how they feel about themselves. I know you may think I’m being overly dramatic. I don’t. I vividly recall hearing as a young child, “As you grow taller, you’ll thin out.” {I’ve spent most of my life waiting for that growth spurt!} Only recently have I learned to see myself as more than my body and appearance. Only recently have I been able to say with confidence that I am truly fearfully and wonderfully made and I’m ok with myself. In fact, I’m more than ok with myself. I actually LIKE myself. That’s a new one for me. And it’s freeing. And it allows me to wear either black or white with confidence. I pray sweet Hannah and Callie will learn this younger than I did. I also pray that those of us who have influence over little friends will encourage them toward positive and godly real thoughts rather than believing the lies that have sucked so many of us in. Will you join me?