My Terrible Parents

Confession: My parents are the two most influential people in my life. In many ways, they have shaped me into the woman I am today. And it’s all because they did everything “wrong.” 

Last weekend, I had the privilege of having my youngest niece, Caroline (affectionately known as my Itty Bitty Best Girl), with me while her daddy went to a wedding. She is a dainty bundle of ten week old goodness that I simply adore. Brett and I met up for lunch and the return swap at the end of the weekend and had some great conversation. At some point it turned to discussions about parenting and our own parents. We had some laughs and fond reminiscence, and at some point he asked a question that has come up before: “We all turned out well. What did Mom and Dad do to make that happen?” My answer to that question is that they were terrible parents.

I have a list of reasons for what made them such bad parents: 

• My siblings and I weren’t their number one priority or their “world.” There has never been a question as to who the most important person in my dad’s world is. It is my mother. And for my mother, it’s my dad. If you’ve spent any amount of time with them, you know this. They were always on the same page and united in their decisions. We, as children, never outranked a parent. We could not pit one against the other. And deep down I always knew, if forced to choose, they would pick one another over anyone else, including us. While that may sound harsh, I also believe it is biblical. There was also great security for me in their relationship. Because they love one another so deeply and unconditionally, I know they also love us, the result of this love and commitment.
• They didn’t read the latest parenting books or magazines for direction and guidance.
  My parents started their family young. In fact, today we would probably say they were just babies (my mom had 2 babies before she turned 22). Money was tight so there wasn’t a shelf full of books or magazines telling them what foods to feed their babies, how to get them to sleep, 427 practices to ensure healthy brain, emotional, intellectual, and psychological development, or anything else. They didn’t have social media to ask all of their friends at once what they should do (only to receive 17 responses that completely contradict one another). While those resources aren’t bad, they aren’t always the best, either. My sweet mom had 4 things she counted on: her own intuition, the pediatrician, my dad, and her God. Those are what she used to determine what was best for each of us as individuals. 
• They didn’t reward us for appropriate behavior in public.
  While our behavior was a choice we had, the expectations my parents had were clear. There were times and places for us to be loud and active. There were appropriate ways to show anger and irritation. After all, we were kids. These expectations were spoken and clear. They were taught and they were expected. I don’t recall ever being told I would receive a toy or a candy of my choosing if I would just behave. My parents didn’t bargain or bribe. Sometimes we got a treat at the store but it was just because. It didn’t happen every time we went to the store…no matter how well behaved we were. Special treats, purchases, toys, or activities were gifts that were given unconditionally, not based on our behavior. Now, as an adult, my parents are two of the most giving people I know. I won’t share all of the ways they so generously bless us but I will share that I know none of what they give or do for us has strings attached. I learned as a child that they give because they love not because of anything I do or don’t do. I also know that there are some things I am just expected to do, whether or not I am rewarded. 
• Our teachers were always right until proven otherwise.
  That’s right, my parents believed our teachers (the educated grown-ups) before they believed us. If there was a problem at school and we were reprimanded, we were reprimanded at home too. If we had grades that didn’t reflect our capability, it was our responsibility, not our teacher’s. But they always found out what was true by going directly to the teacher. They never simply took our word for it. But, I can also remember a situation where it was the teacher in the wrong, not me. But she wouldn’t budge. And I learned a great lesson that day.
  In fourth grade, if we didn’t return our signed papers on the day they were due, we had to write an extensive paragraph detailing our responsibility to return them timely manner. And it had to be written 25 times. I don’t remember the entire paragraph she had but it began like this: “It is my responsibility as a fourth grade student to…” followed by many words that basically said “to return my papers on time.” There was a week when my dad was out of town and missed seeing my papers. My mom told me to tell my teacher that she was going to keep them until he was home so he could see them. I did and that was unacceptable to her so I had to do the punish work. After talking to her and learning she wasn’t going to change her mind, my dad did something most parents wouldn’t. He didn’t go to the principle or to the school board. He also took responsibility. Since we didn’t follow her rules, we did the punish work. He and I sat together at the table and he wrote the paragraph 15 times and I wrote it 10. In that moment I learned the importance of taking responsibility for my actions by example. 
• They made us go to church.
  Until we were in college, we attended church together as a family on Sundays. We also rode together in one vehicle. You didn’t choose on a Sunday morning if you were going to go or not. This was a value of our family and wasn't open for discussion. But faith wasn’t just for Sunday mornings in our house. My dad spent the beginning of every day in the living room in his red terry cloth robe, kneeling at his recliner in prayer after reading his devotion. Over time, he moved to the kitchen table with his Bible and journal. The only reason I know this is the physical evidence I saw with my own eyes. It was not something he announced. It was simply what he did. My mom never hesitated to speak of her faith in everyday conversation. It was obvious to me that their faith filled their lives, influencing their actions, relationships, and parenting.
• They made us eat dinner together at the table…but what’s more, they made us turn off the TV!
  We ate dinner together almost every night. My mom cooked and served our plates (always serving herself last). We each sat in the same place every night. We held hands and said our blessing and always ended it by squeezing the hands you were holding. This was the time we talked about life and what happened at school or work that day. Following trips, it was when we gave our reports. We talked and laughed but we did not sing (that was one of mom’s no-no’s). There was no TV and even today, cell phones are highly discouraged! It was tradition and it was routine. And to this day, it is still my favorite place to be with my family. We have our best times around the dinner table. 
• And here’s the kicker: they disciplined us. And, yes, that sometimes included spanking.
  But it also might have been handled with a discussion, loss of privileges, or even being put on your knees in the corner when you are a preteen (yep, that was me…though I was 12, not 15 like my brother would like to have you believe). In the eyes of some, our punishments didn’t always fit our "crimes."  But my parents didn’t care what other people thought. When my parents gave instructions, they also gave 2 choices: obey or disobey. Disobedience always had consequences. Though some parents overlook “minor” disobedience or wait until it becomes a pattern or bigger issue before dealing with it, this was NOT the method my parents used. My dad believed you deal with disobedience early and clearly. His theory was to “nip it in the bud” early. My parents taught us early the role of authority in our lives and how we are to respond. 

If you’ve read all of this, I hope you see that I don’t at all believe my parents are terrible. In fact, the opposite is true. Though their parenting may be contrary to what some would say is the “right” way to parent, quite frankly, I don’t care. They were successful parents. I believe they have raised 3 well rounded, productive, and hard working adults. If you were to ask them what they did right, they would honestly tell you they don’t know. And what I’ve told you is only the tip of the iceberg. God did a really good thing when He made my family and I am forever grateful.